I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
