couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
