new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
