i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
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