My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I wish you could order shots online.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
