you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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