I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
