This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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