i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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