I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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