Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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