Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize