Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
