I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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