then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
the gays at disneyland are vicious
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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