The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
