im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
zippers are such a cool invention
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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