my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
