One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
