eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she smelled like a LAN party
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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