hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
