I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
