Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize