guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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