Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
