I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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