I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
