Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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