and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Pants are for mortals
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
there is glitter all over my balls
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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