Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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