Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
