I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
