Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
