As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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