He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
