I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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