So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
