im six kinds of drunk right now
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
