I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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