Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Randomize
