paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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