im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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