if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
