The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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