census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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