I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
