How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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