the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
