He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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