When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
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