Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
