plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
