does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
