i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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