Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Randomize
