i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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