Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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